Fall

 Do you ever watch it raining? Just standing by the window, watching it pour down, following the drops roll down the window. Overlooking the fields behind the house, lush green fields and blue sky with just a few grey clouds floating around. Listening to the rain fall on the window and the roof. And then realizing how peaceful it is, how quiet it is. As the rain chases everybody under a covered place, the streets get empty, cars stop. The the rain gets harder, like it really needs to let it all out, and then it gets quiet again but does not stop just yet. Like it is trying to make a point. after all the drammatic fall, chasing everybody away it leaves you with nothing but clear blue skies and fresh autumn air. Looking at trees, starting to dress up in their autumn colours. And the sun starts to shine, to let you know the warmth and light of it is still here, even if all the clouds try to hide it, pull a veil over it, it still shines through.

God, I love autumn. What a beautiful season!

Visited me again

Dear,

You visitied me again
in my dreams.
How sweet it was
and how bitter.

Wishing another chance with you,
wishing to turn back time,
just to feel your arms around me
one more time.
To feel your lips on mine
one more time.
To feel your scent
that is so familiar.
To feel home
One more time.

Do I visit you,
I wonder.
Do you even think of me
at all.
You were,
You are,
My true one,
The one that life
Did not give me a chance to explore,
to enjoy, to love. 

I wish I could talk to you,
mend what has been broken,
fill up all the craks
and make us whole
together.
I want to give you that spark back
that lit up in your eyes
when you saw me
all those years back.
I want to say I am so very sorry
for hurting you,
for leaving you,
for not even thinking
to give us a chance.
How foolish I was,
wrapped up in running
away from home. 

I do still love you, and miss you dearly. I don't know if you will ever know, but I hope and wish you a very happy and loving life.

Ps. Please, keep visiting me in my dreams. I am not ready to fully let you go.

Depression does not give you a break

 If I learnt one thing during my holiday is that your demons do not give you a break. They are always around, lurking, waiting for the opportunity to grab you and drag you back to your worst place and not let you go until there is not a shed of light left inside you. They don't care if you go on holiday to get a break from everything. They don't care that you need time to relax so you have a fresh mind to fight them back off. They will just keep going and going at you, chew you up and spit you out. And they will do it again and again. No time to recover, no time to defend. It is constant.
What does one do when everything feels so dead inside? How does one find light when everything is so dark and cold? How does one find the will to keep looking after all the disappointment of finding nothing?

And I cannot help but wonder, is there anything else than hopelessness in life? Is there anything else inside than just that black void? That very thing that keeps trying to suck me in. The very thing that houses all my demons. The demons who do not give me a break. No matter how much I need it. 

They say that we have two wolves inside us and it is up to us which one we feed. Well you know what, I have a third one called depression and it doesn't need feeding by me because it just feeds itself. It takes. And takes. And takes. Takes everything I hold dear, leaving me and the other wolves nothing. 

Just end my suffering already.