Visited me again

Dear,

You visitied me again
in my dreams.
How sweet it was
and how bitter.

Wishing another chance with you,
wishing to turn back time,
just to feel your arms around me
one more time.
To feel your lips on mine
one more time.
To feel your scent
that is so familiar.
To feel home
One more time.

Do I visit you,
I wonder.
Do you even think of me
at all.
You were,
You are,
My true one,
The one that life
Did not give me a chance to explore,
to enjoy, to love. 

I wish I could talk to you,
mend what has been broken,
fill up all the craks
and make us whole
together.
I want to give you that spark back
that lit up in your eyes
when you saw me
all those years back.
I want to say I am so very sorry
for hurting you,
for leaving you,
for not even thinking
to give us a chance.
How foolish I was,
wrapped up in running
away from home. 

I do still love you, and miss you dearly. I don't know if you will ever know, but I hope and wish you a very happy and loving life.

Ps. Please, keep visiting me in my dreams. I am not ready to fully let you go.

Depression does not give you a break

 If I learnt one thing during my holiday is that your demons do not give you a break. They are always around, lurking, waiting for the opportunity to grab you and drag you back to your worst place and not let you go until there is not a shed of light left inside you. They don't care if you go on holiday to get a break from everything. They don't care that you need time to relax so you have a fresh mind to fight them back off. They will just keep going and going at you, chew you up and spit you out. And they will do it again and again. No time to recover, no time to defend. It is constant.
What does one do when everything feels so dead inside? How does one find light when everything is so dark and cold? How does one find the will to keep looking after all the disappointment of finding nothing?

And I cannot help but wonder, is there anything else than hopelessness in life? Is there anything else inside than just that black void? That very thing that keeps trying to suck me in. The very thing that houses all my demons. The demons who do not give me a break. No matter how much I need it. 

They say that we have two wolves inside us and it is up to us which one we feed. Well you know what, I have a third one called depression and it doesn't need feeding by me because it just feeds itself. It takes. And takes. And takes. Takes everything I hold dear, leaving me and the other wolves nothing. 

Just end my suffering already.

 

 

Monday's vent

I feel like I have been trying to be who I used to be. Trying to juggle everything to get to do things I used to love and enjoy, just so I can feel like myself again. But instead of feeling like myself, I feel crushed. Crushed underneath all these things I am trying to put on my shoulders in order to feel good. But I don't feel good. I am out of balnce once again and very hard to stay on course. 

 Everything feels like a responsibility. Cooking, gym, studying, even taking a shower and wash my hair. I don't want to wash my hair. I don't want to cook. I want a break, I want a holiday. 

I want TIME. Time to figure myself out. Time to regain my confidence and faith in myself. Time to regain clarity, and my vision of what I really want in life. Is that too much to ask? In this world, it probably is.

A world I don't feel safe in. Where no one cares about the other, where one's self is always more important in every possible way imaginable. Who wants to live in this world anyway? I certainly do not feel like I am living my life. My life is half dead. Murdered by obligations, rules, laws, responsibilites, things to take care of all the time, things that need attention. And where am I on this list? Not even on it, that is where. 

Life would be so much easier if all we have is ourselves to take care of, without limitations everywhere. If we could just live in harmony, peace and tru unconditional love for one another this planet would be a happy place. Life would be happy.

Thanks for reading.