Nostalgia and Pinot Grigio

I have been trying to write something in here. How I am, how I feel, what I am thinking and everything. 

I think probably the best way to put it is: my heart of stone is still beating. Don't know what for, but it still is. It feels heavy and cold but it keeps going. 
I have been trying to fill the hole in my heart with the past and nostalgic thoughts. I really wish I was still seventeen. I wish I could still go on fishing trips with you, or just sitting by the lake with you by my side in complete silence, just enjoying the moment. I will not forget, ever, how comfortable I was with you that time. How nice it felt being with someone who knows me and accepts me. My only ever rock in my life. It was so easy. No adult shit to worry about, no job, no bills, no nothing. Just you and me. I wish so bad to turn back time, even just for a little bit. 

Will I ever feel that again? 

I am going home again, and since I bought my ticket I have been wishing to meet you one more time, to see you one more time. I want to see you, feel you, bee with you just one last time. If only life could grant me this wish. My heart's wish. 
You always  will have a very special place in my heart and I really wish I could share this with you, after all these years.

Tuesday blues

 I can't believe it happened again. Actually, I can't believe I let it happen again. I let other people's shit bring me down. I let you hurt me once again. And I am so furious. With you. With myself. With the whole world. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! is what I want to scream at you all. And even though my mouth can't do it, my heart and soul can, and they do, so loud and so quiet, only I can hear. Only I can feel. The weight of it, so damn full and heavy. 
I am not sure I can carry it on my shoulder with my head held high. I feel like giving up again, let all the weight pull me down and crush me. 

I am so desparate for a break again. I really want some peace. I feel so hopeless.

Can someone save me please?

Fall

 Do you ever watch it raining? Just standing by the window, watching it pour down, following the drops roll down the window. Overlooking the fields behind the house, lush green fields and blue sky with just a few grey clouds floating around. Listening to the rain fall on the window and the roof. And then realizing how peaceful it is, how quiet it is. As the rain chases everybody under a covered place, the streets get empty, cars stop. The the rain gets harder, like it really needs to let it all out, and then it gets quiet again but does not stop just yet. Like it is trying to make a point. after all the drammatic fall, chasing everybody away it leaves you with nothing but clear blue skies and fresh autumn air. Looking at trees, starting to dress up in their autumn colours. And the sun starts to shine, to let you know the warmth and light of it is still here, even if all the clouds try to hide it, pull a veil over it, it still shines through.

God, I love autumn. What a beautiful season!