Tuesday blues

 I can't believe it happened again. Actually, I can't believe I let it happen again. I let other people's shit bring me down. I let you hurt me once again. And I am so furious. With you. With myself. With the whole world. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! is what I want to scream at you all. And even though my mouth can't do it, my heart and soul can, and they do, so loud and so quiet, only I can hear. Only I can feel. The weight of it, so damn full and heavy. 
I am not sure I can carry it on my shoulder with my head held high. I feel like giving up again, let all the weight pull me down and crush me. 

I am so desparate for a break again. I really want some peace. I feel so hopeless.

Can someone save me please?

Fall

 Do you ever watch it raining? Just standing by the window, watching it pour down, following the drops roll down the window. Overlooking the fields behind the house, lush green fields and blue sky with just a few grey clouds floating around. Listening to the rain fall on the window and the roof. And then realizing how peaceful it is, how quiet it is. As the rain chases everybody under a covered place, the streets get empty, cars stop. The the rain gets harder, like it really needs to let it all out, and then it gets quiet again but does not stop just yet. Like it is trying to make a point. after all the drammatic fall, chasing everybody away it leaves you with nothing but clear blue skies and fresh autumn air. Looking at trees, starting to dress up in their autumn colours. And the sun starts to shine, to let you know the warmth and light of it is still here, even if all the clouds try to hide it, pull a veil over it, it still shines through.

God, I love autumn. What a beautiful season!

Visited me again

Dear,

You visitied me again
in my dreams.
How sweet it was
and how bitter.

Wishing another chance with you,
wishing to turn back time,
just to feel your arms around me
one more time.
To feel your lips on mine
one more time.
To feel your scent
that is so familiar.
To feel home
One more time.

Do I visit you,
I wonder.
Do you even think of me
at all.
You were,
You are,
My true one,
The one that life
Did not give me a chance to explore,
to enjoy, to love. 

I wish I could talk to you,
mend what has been broken,
fill up all the craks
and make us whole
together.
I want to give you that spark back
that lit up in your eyes
when you saw me
all those years back.
I want to say I am so very sorry
for hurting you,
for leaving you,
for not even thinking
to give us a chance.
How foolish I was,
wrapped up in running
away from home. 

I do still love you, and miss you dearly. I don't know if you will ever know, but I hope and wish you a very happy and loving life.

Ps. Please, keep visiting me in my dreams. I am not ready to fully let you go.